1
00:00:19,571 --> 00:00:24,474
Well, all right. Look at all that
beautiful, white stuff come down.

2
00:00:24,709 --> 00:00:26,768
Christmas is right around the corner...

3
00:00:26,978 --> 00:00:29,105
...and chanukah starts tonight.

4
00:00:29,314 --> 00:00:30,781
Ain't a better time of year.

5
00:00:30,982 --> 00:00:35,612
You got no school, you can eat
like a pig and people give you stuff.

6
00:00:35,821 --> 00:00:38,517
Just makes you feel tingly all over.

7
00:00:39,591 --> 00:00:40,615
But you know what?

8
00:00:40,826 --> 00:00:44,660
There are some buffoons out there who
actually can't stand the holiday season.

9
00:00:44,930 --> 00:00:47,262
And seeing other people
enjoy the festivities...

10
00:00:47,432 --> 00:00:48,990
...gets them even more disgusted.

11
00:00:50,368 --> 00:00:52,529
In fact, the head honcho of holiday
humbug...

12
00:00:52,737 --> 00:00:56,434
...lives right here in little old dukesberry.
His name's davey stone.

13
00:00:56,641 --> 00:00:58,939
That fool's in the china dragon...

14
00:00:59,110 --> 00:01:02,637
...coming up with his own way
of feeling tingly all over.

15
00:01:04,783 --> 00:01:08,844
Four scorpion bowl in five minute?
That's got to be a restaurant record.

16
00:01:09,287 --> 00:01:14,122
Well, right now i'm going to go for
another restaurant record: Longest burp.

17
00:01:25,070 --> 00:01:30,030
Congratulations. Now, please excuse me
while i go take shower.

18
00:01:30,642 --> 00:01:33,873
At one time, davey was a super student,
super athlete...

19
00:01:34,145 --> 00:01:37,876
...super sweet, super kid and the apple
of his parents' eye.

20
00:01:40,018 --> 00:01:43,886
Now, he's just a 33-year-old,
crazy jewish guy...

21
00:01:44,089 --> 00:01:47,547
...who lives for making this town
as miserable as he is...

22
00:01:47,792 --> 00:01:50,158
...especially on the first night
of chanukah.

23
00:01:50,362 --> 00:01:53,160
How'd he end up this way?
Let's save that for later...

24
00:01:53,331 --> 00:01:58,098
...because right now, davey's about to
get himself into some serious trouble.

25
00:02:02,407 --> 00:02:05,376
Hope you're not planning on driving
tonight, stone.

26
00:02:05,577 --> 00:02:09,343
No, officer. I'm just going to say
good night to my car...

27
00:02:09,514 --> 00:02:13,382
...then walk home and enjoy
the holiday decorations.

28
00:02:13,618 --> 00:02:17,520
Listen, sweetheart. I have to leave you
here alone tonight...

29
00:02:17,689 --> 00:02:21,557
...but don't you worry, i'll be back
first thing in the morning.

30
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:25,719
Now, behave yourself,
and don't stay up too late.

31
00:02:26,431 --> 00:02:28,365
Nighty-night.

32
00:02:30,702 --> 00:02:33,364
All right, baby. But let's make this quick.

33
00:02:34,039 --> 00:02:35,370
Oh, mama!

34
00:02:35,574 --> 00:02:37,769
You like it when i hold you like this?

35
00:02:37,976 --> 00:02:41,036
Because i'll do it all night long.

36
00:02:42,113 --> 00:02:44,604
So sweet.

37
00:02:45,717 --> 00:02:48,242
Yes, so precious.

38
00:02:49,921 --> 00:02:52,219
I love you, car.

39
00:02:52,390 --> 00:02:56,918
He dine and dash me! He chew and
screw me! He sip and skip me!

40
00:02:57,128 --> 00:03:00,063
- What?
- He no pay for his four scorpion bowl.

41
00:03:00,231 --> 00:03:01,493
Oh, boy.

42
00:03:03,401 --> 00:03:04,561
Get him.

43
00:03:09,808 --> 00:03:11,571
Come back here, you jerk!

44
00:03:14,312 --> 00:03:15,904
Somebody stop that guy!

45
00:03:16,314 --> 00:03:19,283
I'm the kind of guy who can't stand
a holiday

46
00:03:19,484 --> 00:03:23,443
so i drink them all away, that's me

47
00:03:23,655 --> 00:03:26,954
i don't decorate no trees

48
00:03:27,158 --> 00:03:30,616
and i won't eat no potato latkes

49
00:03:30,829 --> 00:03:35,425
but i'll give this old lady's melons
a squeeze

50
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:38,296
that's just who i am

51
00:03:44,309 --> 00:03:47,472
well, i'll never spin a dreidel,
but i'll always throw an egg

52
00:03:47,679 --> 00:03:51,775
and i'll charley horse your leg for laughs

53
00:03:52,417 --> 00:03:55,477
while you're singing your holiday tunes

54
00:03:55,687 --> 00:03:59,282
i'm acting like the town buffoon

55
00:03:59,457 --> 00:04:03,325
whipping out my big, white, scary moon

56
00:04:03,528 --> 00:04:06,964
and blowing a beef your way

57
00:04:07,132 --> 00:04:10,624
i hate folks who think reindeer are cute

58
00:04:10,835 --> 00:04:13,861
to me they're just something to shoot

59
00:04:14,539 --> 00:04:16,166
i hate love

60
00:04:16,374 --> 00:04:18,137
i hate you

61
00:04:18,343 --> 00:04:20,208
i hate me

62
00:04:22,147 --> 00:04:24,012
well, i'm a snowmobile-stealing

63
00:04:24,215 --> 00:04:29,050
no 'tis-the-season-feeling kind of guy

64
00:04:29,888 --> 00:04:33,517
this time of year sucks
so i take my nunchaks

65
00:04:33,725 --> 00:04:37,684
and make sure every snowman dies

66
00:04:37,896 --> 00:04:41,195
believing in santa's all wrong

67
00:04:41,766 --> 00:04:45,167
and chanukah's eight nights too long

68
00:04:45,503 --> 00:04:46,663
i hate love

69
00:04:46,838 --> 00:04:48,396
i hate you

70
00:04:48,673 --> 00:04:50,504
i hate me

71
00:04:50,775 --> 00:04:51,833
coming through.

72
00:04:52,043 --> 00:04:53,169
I hate love

73
00:04:53,344 --> 00:04:55,005
i hate you

74
00:04:55,180 --> 00:04:56,340
i hate me

75
00:04:56,548 --> 00:04:59,608
davey stone, you're nothing
but a delinquent!

76
00:05:00,752 --> 00:05:03,414
Stone, what the heck are we
going to do with you?

77
00:05:03,621 --> 00:05:08,183
I've sent you to reform school, the drunk
tank, the local psychiatric ward.

78
00:05:08,359 --> 00:05:11,886
Not one of those places has made you
change an ounce for the better.

79
00:05:12,097 --> 00:05:13,724
You used to be a good kid...

80
00:05:13,932 --> 00:05:18,869
...playing ball for the jewish community
center, with the best shot ever seen.

81
00:05:19,070 --> 00:05:22,870
Your honor, i still got a pretty good
jump shot. Let me show you.

82
00:05:25,810 --> 00:05:28,745
I'd hit a 3-pointer, but i'd
have to drop my pants...

83
00:05:28,947 --> 00:05:31,040
...and pop a thumb up my boo-boo.

84
00:05:31,249 --> 00:05:35,743
You leave me no choice. I'll really
have to crack down hard this time.

85
00:05:35,954 --> 00:05:41,085
Your honor, if it pleases the court,
i'd like to interject for a moment.

86
00:05:41,292 --> 00:05:45,456
What the hell was that? Did anybody
hear a parakeet, or am i going crazy?

87
00:05:45,663 --> 00:05:49,121
No, mr. Chang. It's me, whitey duvall.

88
00:05:49,334 --> 00:05:52,303
And a happy first night of chanukah
to you.

89
00:05:52,537 --> 00:05:54,061
I'm not jewish.

90
00:05:54,272 --> 00:05:58,675
Neither am i, but that don't stop me
from enjoying a holiday.

91
00:05:59,110 --> 00:06:02,238
Whitey, we went over this
two months ago.

92
00:06:02,447 --> 00:06:05,746
It's your last year of reffing
the youth league basketball.

93
00:06:05,950 --> 00:06:07,440
You're turning 70 years old...

94
00:06:07,652 --> 00:06:11,110
...and our insurance company says
they won't cover you anymore.

95
00:06:11,289 --> 00:06:12,313
No, no, no.

96
00:06:12,557 --> 00:06:17,324
My interjection pertains to the case
currently under adjudication.

97
00:06:17,562 --> 00:06:20,087
You see, i knew this young man
years ago...

98
00:06:20,265 --> 00:06:23,098
...when his moral fiber was still intact.

99
00:06:23,301 --> 00:06:24,791
What are you getting at?

100
00:06:25,003 --> 00:06:29,497
Why not sentence him to be a
referee-in-training for youth basketball?

101
00:06:29,774 --> 00:06:33,471
I've seen some pretty rowdy kids
turn into perfect gentlemen...

102
00:06:33,678 --> 00:06:36,112
...after spending time on my court.

103
00:06:36,314 --> 00:06:38,839
If that happened with stone,
it would be a miracle.

104
00:06:39,083 --> 00:06:43,679
It's the holidays. Things like that have
been known to happen this time of year.

105
00:06:45,156 --> 00:06:48,614
Whitey, if you want to work with
this punk, then god bless you.

106
00:06:48,827 --> 00:06:51,796
But mr. Stone, what whitey says goes.

107
00:06:51,996 --> 00:06:53,861
And if i hear that you break one law...

108
00:06:54,032 --> 00:06:58,594
...l'll send you to the state
penitentiary for no less than 10 years.

109
00:06:59,904 --> 00:07:01,633
Happy holidays.

110
00:07:03,408 --> 00:07:04,636
Oh, god.

111
00:07:04,843 --> 00:07:07,471
The short man who's kind
and the donkey's behind.

112
00:07:07,645 --> 00:07:11,706
What a bizarre matchup.
Good luck, whitey. You'll need it.

113
00:07:12,617 --> 00:07:15,984
Okay, let's give the little guy
some support.

114
00:07:18,656 --> 00:07:22,183
Did i just see two persian cats
on your ass?

115
00:07:22,393 --> 00:07:26,727
I think i'm going to barf.

116
00:07:27,899 --> 00:07:30,766
Your horn works, try the lights.

117
00:07:33,338 --> 00:07:34,999
Okay.

118
00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:38,403
One. Two.

119
00:07:38,643 --> 00:07:40,736
Good to see you still got circus feet.

120
00:07:40,945 --> 00:07:45,075
Men's 11 right foot, children's
9 left foot...

121
00:07:45,283 --> 00:07:46,682
...at your service.

122
00:07:47,185 --> 00:07:48,209
Yuck.

123
00:07:48,686 --> 00:07:52,178
Now, i assume you've done
your pre-game stretching.

124
00:07:52,390 --> 00:07:54,051
No, let me do it right now.

125
00:07:54,259 --> 00:07:56,591
One. Two. Three.

126
00:07:56,794 --> 00:07:58,853
Four. Five. Six.

127
00:07:59,030 --> 00:08:01,931
Okay. That's good, but don't forget
your hammies.

128
00:08:02,100 --> 00:08:05,365
Of course whitey wouldn't understand
what getting flipped off means.

129
00:08:05,536 --> 00:08:08,528
He's so behind the times,
he thinks viagra's a big waterfall.

130
00:08:09,974 --> 00:08:11,532
But there is one thing he knows.

131
00:08:11,709 --> 00:08:15,167
The voting has begun for the highest
honor anyone in town could receive.

132
00:08:17,415 --> 00:08:20,179
I think it's gonna be your year, whitey.
I really do.

133
00:08:21,619 --> 00:08:26,579
Whoa. Don't even think of coming
on this floor with those hard soles, pally.

134
00:08:26,791 --> 00:08:28,759
Fine, i'll just ref in my socks.

135
00:08:32,730 --> 00:08:34,721
Must be game time.

136
00:08:36,067 --> 00:08:39,059
Don't let him push your buttons, whitey.

137
00:09:02,327 --> 00:09:03,589
What are you waiting for?

138
00:09:03,761 --> 00:09:05,752
- Come on. Dribble!
- Hurry up!

139
00:09:10,768 --> 00:09:13,532
What, no whistle on that one, ref?

140
00:09:13,771 --> 00:09:14,999
Okay.

141
00:09:15,940 --> 00:09:19,603
Foul on this kid for eating
everything in sight.

142
00:09:19,944 --> 00:09:24,278
Jelly jugs, next time you come on
my court, you better wear a bra. Okay?

143
00:09:26,050 --> 00:09:30,282
He was just kidding, son.
You've got very nice boobs.

144
00:09:30,989 --> 00:09:32,013
- Jerk!
- Idiot!

145
00:09:32,256 --> 00:09:36,124
You don't like that? How about you
throw something at me. I dare you.

146
00:09:36,294 --> 00:09:38,159
With pleasure!

147
00:09:38,629 --> 00:09:43,293
They're scratching up my floor.
Here comes a seizure.

148
00:09:44,802 --> 00:09:48,169
This will pass in a second, kids.

149
00:09:48,373 --> 00:09:49,840
Don't be scared.

150
00:09:50,041 --> 00:09:51,531
Is he break dancing?

151
00:09:53,644 --> 00:09:57,478
Okay, that's it. Game over.
Nobody wants to see an old man die.

152
00:09:57,682 --> 00:10:00,810
Fatty's team loses because
i want to see him cry again.

153
00:10:03,654 --> 00:10:07,385
I want to talk to you in my office.

154
00:10:09,394 --> 00:10:11,225
Why the hell are we at the mall?

155
00:10:11,429 --> 00:10:13,522
You need to clean your brain out.

156
00:10:13,731 --> 00:10:17,064
And to me, the mall is the best place
to do that.

157
00:10:17,301 --> 00:10:18,825
What's good about this place?

158
00:10:19,037 --> 00:10:22,996
What's good about it? Everything.
You want a pair of socks?

159
00:10:23,174 --> 00:10:26,371
My buddy, mr. Foot locker,
will warm your feet.

160
00:10:26,577 --> 00:10:28,238
You need a fancy doodad?

161
00:10:28,446 --> 00:10:33,713
Hello, sharper lmage. Thanks for the
combination pogo sticklclock radio.

162
00:10:33,918 --> 00:10:36,512
I mean, the body shop, the tie rack...

163
00:10:36,687 --> 00:10:38,518
...gnc, radioshack...

164
00:10:38,723 --> 00:10:43,183
...petland for a cat or two,
spencer's gifts for some fake dog doo...

165
00:10:43,394 --> 00:10:46,090
...sbarro's, dunkin' donuts,
they're simply the best.

166
00:10:46,330 --> 00:10:49,265
And don't forget the orange
chicken at panda express.

167
00:10:49,467 --> 00:10:51,901
But if you're short of cash
like little old me...

168
00:10:52,103 --> 00:10:54,867
...the window shopping's always free.

169
00:10:55,540 --> 00:10:59,943
Did you prepare that or did you rhyme
that many times in a row by accident?

170
00:11:00,611 --> 00:11:02,841
Yeah, that was weird, wasn't it?

171
00:11:03,047 --> 00:11:04,537
Maybe you are a leprechaun.

172
00:11:04,715 --> 00:11:07,445
Let's just get some snacks and chat.
Okay?

173
00:11:09,387 --> 00:11:11,150
Aren't you a boy?

174
00:11:14,725 --> 00:11:16,886
Now, i'd like to make this work out.

175
00:11:17,095 --> 00:11:20,223
But in order to do so, you're
going to have to learn...

176
00:11:20,398 --> 00:11:25,097
...that youth basketball ain't about you
and your lack of respect for others.

177
00:11:25,303 --> 00:11:30,570
It's about the kids and teaching them
responsibility and teamwork.

178
00:11:30,741 --> 00:11:33,904
I've been doing my part for 35 years.

179
00:11:34,112 --> 00:11:37,081
Are you ready to join me, big guy?

180
00:11:42,954 --> 00:11:47,323
Joke's on you, tough guy. I can't read.

181
00:11:47,525 --> 00:11:51,256
Special delivery for whitey duvall,
sugar-free doughnuts.

182
00:11:51,462 --> 00:11:55,159
Every day she does this for me.
Jennifer, you're too much.

183
00:11:55,399 --> 00:11:58,266
My fraternal twin sister's a diabetic...

184
00:11:58,469 --> 00:12:03,031
...and out of respect for her and her
disease, i don't eat sugar products.

185
00:12:03,274 --> 00:12:05,936
There's a surprise in there you'll like.

186
00:12:06,110 --> 00:12:09,841
Don't tell me it's bavarian cream-filled.

187
00:12:10,781 --> 00:12:12,806
It is bavarian cream-filled!

188
00:12:13,017 --> 00:12:14,314
Hubba-bubba!

189
00:12:14,519 --> 00:12:19,855
These babies make my taste buds
do double daffies, for gosh sakes.

190
00:12:20,191 --> 00:12:22,159
Why are you hiding over there?

191
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:24,453
It's okay, sweetheart. Talk to whitey.

192
00:12:24,629 --> 00:12:27,496
Hi, whitey. I got another chanukah
present tonight.

193
00:12:27,698 --> 00:12:31,634
Wow, benjamin, an etch a sketch.
Not too shabby.

194
00:12:31,836 --> 00:12:33,531
That's a game boy, you idiot.

195
00:12:33,738 --> 00:12:36,639
Sorry, i'm not up
on modern technology.

196
00:12:36,841 --> 00:12:41,301
But i guess my friend davey is.
Why don't you tell him what else you got.

197
00:12:41,479 --> 00:12:43,970
First night, i got a basketball
and some dreidels.

198
00:12:44,182 --> 00:12:46,980
Night two, i got a pup tent for camping
in the backyard.

199
00:12:47,185 --> 00:12:48,880
And tonight, i got this.

200
00:12:49,086 --> 00:12:54,023
Wow. Maybe on night four the chanukah
monster will take a big crap on your bed.

201
00:12:55,326 --> 00:12:57,658
Thanks for sharing the holiday spirit,
psycho.

202
00:12:57,862 --> 00:13:00,387
Come and help me
clean the muffin trays.

203
00:13:00,598 --> 00:13:03,465
- Bye, whitey.
- See you at the game tomorrow.

204
00:13:04,769 --> 00:13:08,671
Your girlfriend's backyard
isn't sugar-free. That baby looks sweet.

205
00:13:08,873 --> 00:13:11,501
Technical foul! Technical foul!

206
00:13:11,676 --> 00:13:14,907
That's a lady, and you will not
speak about her that way!

207
00:13:15,112 --> 00:13:16,170
Easy.

208
00:13:16,347 --> 00:13:18,838
She's going through a tough time now.

209
00:13:19,050 --> 00:13:22,850
Last spring, her husband of 13 years
ups and leaves her...

210
00:13:23,020 --> 00:13:25,682
...for a woman he met on the computer.

211
00:13:25,856 --> 00:13:31,192
She had the courage to move back a
month ago to try and raise her boy alone.

212
00:13:31,429 --> 00:13:32,919
So she's available?

213
00:13:33,130 --> 00:13:36,930
You wish, mac. You blew your shot
with her 20 years ago.

214
00:13:37,134 --> 00:13:38,431
Twenty years?

215
00:13:38,636 --> 00:13:40,433
Was that jennifer friedman?

216
00:13:40,705 --> 00:13:44,300
I'm surprised you have enough
brain cells left to remember.

217
00:13:46,577 --> 00:13:50,707
Hey, jennifer, you still coming over to
watch dukes of hazzard after the game?

218
00:13:50,881 --> 00:13:52,246
That's a big 10-4, davey.

219
00:13:52,416 --> 00:13:53,440
Hey, davey.

220
00:13:53,651 --> 00:13:56,051
Smile! Your mom wants to take a picture.

221
00:13:57,154 --> 00:13:58,280
Thanks, honey.

222
00:13:58,556 --> 00:14:01,286
If my parents fall asleep early,
i'll show you my basement.

223
00:14:01,559 --> 00:14:03,026
Keep dreaming.

224
00:14:04,262 --> 00:14:07,823
They make a nice couple
boogie-oogie-oogies.

225
00:14:09,166 --> 00:14:11,566
I don't know when you were goofier,
then or now.

226
00:14:11,769 --> 00:14:16,103
Good evening, mayor stuey duhy.
Out for some late-night shopping?

227
00:14:16,307 --> 00:14:20,403
Yeah. Then i have to figure out how to
rebuild our giant menorah and santa.

228
00:14:20,578 --> 00:14:22,978
Thanks for ruining the ice pageant again,
stone.

229
00:14:23,180 --> 00:14:25,671
I didn't do it for you.
I did it for the ladies.

230
00:14:25,850 --> 00:14:26,908
Yeah, right.

231
00:14:28,085 --> 00:14:33,250
Has there been talk about who the lucky
patch recipient may be this year or...?

232
00:14:33,424 --> 00:14:37,155
That's up to who the town votes for.
Could be you or me or anybody.

233
00:14:37,428 --> 00:14:39,794
All right, i'm going to get going now.

234
00:14:39,997 --> 00:14:42,158
Happy holidays, your excellence.

235
00:14:42,366 --> 00:14:45,927
Good night, mayor! And the answer
to your question is spencer's gifts.

236
00:14:46,137 --> 00:14:49,629
They definitely have furry underwear.

237
00:14:50,608 --> 00:14:52,769
You're gross.

238
00:14:53,944 --> 00:14:57,505
Is it just me, or did you notice
when he said, "it could be you"...

239
00:14:57,782 --> 00:15:00,649
...there was a certain sincerity
in his voice, or...?

240
00:15:00,851 --> 00:15:03,479
You actually give a crap
about winning a patch?

241
00:15:03,688 --> 00:15:08,523
It's only the most prestigious award
given out at the all-star banquet.

242
00:15:08,726 --> 00:15:10,660
Can you imagine?

243
00:15:11,062 --> 00:15:14,623
Won't you dance with me

244
00:15:14,799 --> 00:15:18,496
at the annual all-star banquet?

245
00:15:19,303 --> 00:15:23,137
We'll be so fancy-free

246
00:15:23,307 --> 00:15:27,403
at the annual all-star banquet

247
00:15:27,978 --> 00:15:32,005
everyone in town will be looking
their best

248
00:15:32,216 --> 00:15:35,811
even mrs. Selman with her one
extra breast

249
00:15:36,020 --> 00:15:39,979
it's the kind of a night when your
feet match

250
00:15:40,157 --> 00:15:44,821
when you feel nearly 5-foot-3!

251
00:15:45,062 --> 00:15:49,055
They'll laugh and they'll dance
and they'll pee in their pants

252
00:15:49,266 --> 00:15:54,363
'cause there's a patch at the
all-star banquet waiting for me

253
00:15:55,072 --> 00:15:57,336
can you take me home now?

254
00:16:00,778 --> 00:16:04,339
Well, that was nice of davey to snap
whitey out of his little dream.

255
00:16:04,548 --> 00:16:08,348
All that song was saying was
the patch means the world to whitey.

256
00:16:08,519 --> 00:16:10,919
He'd rather be remembered
for his hard work...

257
00:16:11,155 --> 00:16:14,454
...not for the fact that he had the
hairiest buns in the locker room.

258
00:16:14,658 --> 00:16:16,023
Can you blame him?

259
00:16:20,197 --> 00:16:22,461
How's that peanut brittle?

260
00:16:22,700 --> 00:16:25,362
Crunchy and delicious.

261
00:16:27,037 --> 00:16:32,100
Funny, i don't remember denise
or janice ringing up a purchase for you.

262
00:16:32,309 --> 00:16:34,709
I guess that means i stole it.

263
00:16:38,983 --> 00:16:41,213
Easy, seizure-boy!

264
00:16:41,685 --> 00:16:44,119
That's it. I'm calling the judge.

265
00:16:44,388 --> 00:16:48,381
Go ahead. I'll be on the first bus out.
I ain't spending 10 years in prison.

266
00:16:48,559 --> 00:16:50,424
Maybe i'll just take you in myself.

267
00:16:50,628 --> 00:16:54,064
Don't think you can intimidate me
just because of my size.

268
00:16:54,231 --> 00:16:57,564
Why? You're smaller than me?
I didn't notice that.

269
00:16:58,068 --> 00:17:00,400
Put me down! Put me down!

270
00:17:00,604 --> 00:17:02,731
And get out of my car right now!

271
00:17:02,940 --> 00:17:08,003
Oh, no. You're going to make me walk
10 feet? That's where i live, idiot!

272
00:17:09,447 --> 00:17:10,971
Thanks for the ride, patchy.

273
00:17:11,215 --> 00:17:13,445
It was great patching with you.

274
00:17:13,651 --> 00:17:16,142
And i guess i'll patch you later.

275
00:17:19,089 --> 00:17:20,989
I'm letting this one go, stone.

276
00:17:21,258 --> 00:17:25,024
But next screwup, it's slammer time.

277
00:17:36,340 --> 00:17:39,468
Got any sand or rock salt in there?

278
00:17:39,677 --> 00:17:41,508
I need to get some traction.

279
00:17:41,779 --> 00:17:45,840
"Got any sand or rock salt in there?
'Cause i need to get some..."

280
00:17:46,116 --> 00:17:48,277
oh, shut up!

281
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,853
He could've at least given me a push
or something.

282
00:18:08,008 --> 00:18:11,910
- Closing, channel 36 would
like to wish all of its jewish viewers...

283
00:18:12,145 --> 00:18:14,545
...the very happiest of chanukahs.

284
00:18:14,781 --> 00:18:16,681
Boo!

285
00:18:39,006 --> 00:18:40,030
Hey!

286
00:18:41,675 --> 00:18:43,006
A little help, fellas?

287
00:18:52,352 --> 00:18:55,913
One. Two. Three!

288
00:18:56,557 --> 00:18:59,048
Have a holly, jolly one, guys.

289
00:18:59,226 --> 00:19:00,887
Doesn't it make you feel good...

290
00:19:01,128 --> 00:19:04,393
...when you see a group of deer
helping a motorist in need?

291
00:19:04,565 --> 00:19:06,897
But i bet whitey wishes they showed up
earlier...

292
00:19:07,100 --> 00:19:10,331
...because his sister, eleanore,
gets a little edgy when he's late.

293
00:19:10,470 --> 00:19:12,335
Whitey, where were you?

294
00:19:12,472 --> 00:19:17,205
You're an hour and 51 minutes late.
I already called the morgue.

295
00:19:17,411 --> 00:19:20,744
They said you weren't there,
but to try back later.

296
00:19:21,114 --> 00:19:24,049
I had an interesting talk
with the mayor tonight.

297
00:19:24,251 --> 00:19:29,587
The mayor? Was it about the ruffians
who stole my liz taylor wig?

298
00:19:30,457 --> 00:19:32,482
Eleanore, that was 45 years ago.

299
00:19:32,726 --> 00:19:35,058
I'm still shaking from it.

300
00:19:35,429 --> 00:19:38,557
Anyways, the mayor seems to think
there's a chance...

301
00:19:38,765 --> 00:19:40,995
...i might receive the patch this year.

302
00:19:41,234 --> 00:19:45,000
Oh, boy. Let's just soak our feet, brother.

303
00:19:45,439 --> 00:19:48,567
First position. Second position.

304
00:19:51,511 --> 00:19:53,240
See you later, smell.

305
00:19:53,447 --> 00:19:56,746
Just don't get your hopes up too high
about the patch.

306
00:19:56,950 --> 00:20:00,283
I can handle myself,
eleanore. Trust me.

307
00:20:22,409 --> 00:20:26,277
When you have enough lights to make
your house look like the vegas strip...

308
00:20:26,446 --> 00:20:28,846
...you'll have a big electric bill.

309
00:20:29,016 --> 00:20:31,416
And being a volunteer referee
for the youth basketball league...

310
00:20:31,551 --> 00:20:35,043
...doesn't exactly get you
in the fortune 500.

311
00:20:35,555 --> 00:20:39,992
So old whitey's up early every day,
searching the town for odd jobs...

312
00:20:40,227 --> 00:20:42,991
...to help make ends meet
for him and eleanore.

313
00:20:43,930 --> 00:20:45,454
How's that, fellas?!

314
00:20:45,666 --> 00:20:48,134
It's crooked, shorty. Move it to the right.

315
00:20:48,301 --> 00:20:49,325
You got it.

316
00:20:50,337 --> 00:20:51,429
Whoops.

317
00:20:59,546 --> 00:21:03,573
Well, will you look at that.
It's a jackass-in-the-box.

318
00:21:05,585 --> 00:21:07,678
Let's go get some coffee.

319
00:21:07,888 --> 00:21:10,982
Anything else i can do for you guys?

320
00:21:11,191 --> 00:21:14,319
If you clean out the crappers,
i'll give you a buck.

321
00:21:15,328 --> 00:21:17,819
Consider it done.
Nice doing business with you.

322
00:21:37,284 --> 00:21:39,878
That's what happens
when you hit the bottle.

323
00:21:40,087 --> 00:21:44,046
You go to sleep in dukesberry,
you wake up in pukesberry.

324
00:21:44,291 --> 00:21:45,622
Pukesberry.

325
00:21:45,792 --> 00:21:47,885
Hey. What are you do...? No!

326
00:22:00,607 --> 00:22:05,635
The worst has happened.
I'm covered in human feces.

327
00:22:06,213 --> 00:22:11,014
That's a good look for you. But for
health reasons, i should spray you off.

328
00:22:17,791 --> 00:22:20,055
Smell you later, poopsicle.

329
00:22:23,163 --> 00:22:25,757
You're a fricking degenerate.

330
00:22:25,966 --> 00:22:27,593
I know i am.

331
00:22:40,947 --> 00:22:42,847
A little help, please.

332
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:55,460
Your tongues tickle.

333
00:22:55,695 --> 00:22:57,356
They tickle.

334
00:22:58,799 --> 00:23:01,097
You are right. That was gross.

335
00:23:02,002 --> 00:23:05,062
Thumbelina, there's no kids playing.
Why'd you tell me to come?

336
00:23:05,205 --> 00:23:09,835
I thought you could use a refresher
course on b-ball rules and regulations.

337
00:23:10,076 --> 00:23:14,206
- You're nuts. I'm going to pound a few.
- First of all, you booze, you lose.

338
00:23:14,447 --> 00:23:16,938
And secondly, if you don't turn around...

339
00:23:17,150 --> 00:23:22,486
...officer sherman over there'll know of
the infamous peanut brittle incident.

340
00:23:23,490 --> 00:23:25,185
What's with the dunkin' munchkin?

341
00:23:25,392 --> 00:23:29,886
His mom had to do a double shift so i'm
watching him till she can get here.

342
00:23:30,130 --> 00:23:34,032
Now, both of you cop a squat
next to me and let's observe.

343
00:23:37,103 --> 00:23:38,536
Take it! Take it!

344
00:23:39,806 --> 00:23:41,205
Charging! Our ball.

345
00:23:41,374 --> 00:23:44,605
See, that wasn't a charge.
It was actually blocking.

346
00:23:44,811 --> 00:23:48,372
The defender didn't have both feet
planted in time.

347
00:23:48,548 --> 00:23:51,642
Oh, really? Because i thought
that was high-sticking.

348
00:23:52,319 --> 00:23:57,313
Don't encourage him, benjamin. He's
upset because he can't play no more.

349
00:23:57,557 --> 00:24:01,994
Twenty years of drinking destroyed
the basketball lobe of his brain.

350
00:24:02,229 --> 00:24:05,665
I can whup any of those clowns
out there even with you as my partner.

351
00:24:05,866 --> 00:24:07,390
I'd like to see that.

352
00:24:07,667 --> 00:24:09,259
I'd like to see that right now.

353
00:24:09,502 --> 00:24:12,733
He was just kidding, fellas.
Whole lot of jibber jabber.

354
00:24:12,906 --> 00:24:15,568
We got no beef with you guys.

355
00:24:15,775 --> 00:24:20,405
Because if a midget and a drunk
can beat us, i'd eat my own jockstrap.

356
00:24:20,580 --> 00:24:22,912
No, he don't play ball anymore.

357
00:24:23,083 --> 00:24:26,951
I'll play. But if we win, you got
to eat that guy's jockstrap.

358
00:24:30,857 --> 00:24:33,291
First to five wins. We're shirts.

359
00:24:33,860 --> 00:24:37,523
Oh, boy. Does that mean we're skins?

360
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:42,300
I don't see any skin, monkey-man.

361
00:24:43,103 --> 00:24:44,434
Just pass me the ball.

362
00:24:44,671 --> 00:24:46,298
All right, fuzzy wuzzy.

363
00:24:46,539 --> 00:24:50,771
All right, simmer down, whitey.
Don't travel. Don't double dribble.

364
00:24:50,944 --> 00:24:53,572
I want a good, clean game
and no back talk.

365
00:24:53,780 --> 00:24:56,112
Orangutan, you're playing, not reffing.

366
00:24:56,549 --> 00:25:00,451
He's right. Look for your opening
and take it.

367
00:25:01,922 --> 00:25:02,946
There it is!

368
00:25:06,793 --> 00:25:09,125
Now set yourself and shoot.

369
00:25:12,799 --> 00:25:14,232
Oh, no.

370
00:25:15,802 --> 00:25:18,236
Are you finally dead, old man?

371
00:25:19,973 --> 00:25:23,841
I'll be over to feed the cats
in the morning...

372
00:25:24,077 --> 00:25:26,443
...mrs. Addison.

373
00:25:27,714 --> 00:25:29,705
Okay, he's useless.

374
00:25:33,486 --> 00:25:34,976
One more thing.

375
00:25:37,023 --> 00:25:39,719
Good kitty. Nice kitty.

376
00:25:40,427 --> 00:25:42,327
Muffin boy, what's your real name?

377
00:25:42,495 --> 00:25:43,519
Benjamin.

378
00:25:43,763 --> 00:25:45,355
You're in. Let's go.

379
00:25:45,832 --> 00:25:48,323
You're trading in the midget for a spaz?

380
00:25:48,802 --> 00:25:50,531
This is going to be even sadder.

381
00:25:52,639 --> 00:25:54,607
We'll see. Your ball.

382
00:25:54,774 --> 00:25:55,832
Oops.

383
00:25:56,009 --> 00:25:57,169
I'm not very good.

384
00:25:57,377 --> 00:26:01,336
That's all right. Just try to stay
confident, and if i say shoot it, shoot it.

385
00:26:03,616 --> 00:26:05,311
Game on.

386
00:26:06,019 --> 00:26:08,351
He may be big, but he's ugly, benny.

387
00:26:08,788 --> 00:26:09,880
Good luck, chump.

388
00:26:10,690 --> 00:26:12,658
- I'll take that.
- Hey!

389
00:26:15,061 --> 00:26:16,358
Put it up.

390
00:26:18,031 --> 00:26:19,692
Coming through!

391
00:26:19,899 --> 00:26:23,892
That's all right, just keep your
elbow in. Now stick it, kid.

392
00:26:25,372 --> 00:26:26,532
Yeah!

393
00:26:26,773 --> 00:26:30,140
Looks like you better start
showing the spaz some respect.

394
00:26:30,377 --> 00:26:32,038
Just keep playing.

395
00:26:37,884 --> 00:26:43,049
Where am i going, baby?
Where am i going? Oh, snap. Oh, snap.

396
00:26:43,289 --> 00:26:45,086
- Trap him.
- I'm on it.

397
00:26:46,693 --> 00:26:48,285
It's all you, buddy.

398
00:26:48,661 --> 00:26:51,721
I hope you all like your
jockstraps extra sweaty.

399
00:26:51,931 --> 00:26:54,297
One. Two.

400
00:26:55,101 --> 00:26:56,295
Three.

401
00:26:57,404 --> 00:26:59,599
- You wanna win this or not?
- Yeah.

402
00:26:59,839 --> 00:27:01,739
Well, then cover the nerd.

403
00:27:02,409 --> 00:27:04,240
The saga continues.

404
00:27:11,317 --> 00:27:13,512
Not this time, little man.

405
00:27:14,387 --> 00:27:16,753
Hey, look what i still got.

406
00:27:18,691 --> 00:27:20,625
Yeah, good coverage.

407
00:27:21,895 --> 00:27:23,226
What a shot.

408
00:27:23,396 --> 00:27:27,230
I call that the
top-of-the-key-eat-the-jockstrap shot.

409
00:27:35,475 --> 00:27:37,409
Hold it now. Hold it now.

410
00:27:38,645 --> 00:27:40,840
Where's it going now?

411
00:27:41,481 --> 00:27:43,244
How's he doing that?

412
00:27:43,750 --> 00:27:45,411
Oh, boy.

413
00:27:46,052 --> 00:27:47,349
Put it up, ben.

414
00:27:48,955 --> 00:27:49,979
Got a piece!

415
00:27:50,156 --> 00:27:52,454
Bam! Got a piece of my ass.

416
00:27:53,460 --> 00:27:54,620
Shut up!

417
00:27:54,861 --> 00:27:57,625
One more basket and it's chow time,
boys.

418
00:28:06,306 --> 00:28:07,967
Let's bring it home.

419
00:28:08,975 --> 00:28:10,772
You're my boy, benny.

420
00:28:18,651 --> 00:28:20,482
Whoa, little lverson.

421
00:28:23,089 --> 00:28:25,421
- Double up on stone!
- You got it!

422
00:28:25,825 --> 00:28:27,122
Put it up, benny.

423
00:28:27,327 --> 00:28:28,453
What's happening?

424
00:28:29,395 --> 00:28:31,795
- No!
- Oh, benny!

425
00:28:31,998 --> 00:28:33,465
You gotta be kidding me!

426
00:28:33,633 --> 00:28:34,657
Yeah!

427
00:28:35,602 --> 00:28:37,763
Now say what i told you to say.

428
00:28:38,037 --> 00:28:41,268
Eat that nut-strap, bitch!

429
00:28:41,774 --> 00:28:42,900
Benjamin!

430
00:28:46,012 --> 00:28:49,175
Don't ever use that kind of language
again. Do you hear me?

431
00:28:49,415 --> 00:28:50,677
I'm sorry.

432
00:28:50,917 --> 00:28:52,509
He's just having some fun.

433
00:28:52,852 --> 00:28:57,551
Cursing and acting like a jerk may be
your idea of fun, but it won't be his.

434
00:28:57,790 --> 00:29:00,224
One davey stone
around here is enough.

435
00:29:03,296 --> 00:29:05,787
My finger's in your mouth, kitty...

436
00:29:06,032 --> 00:29:09,229
...but i don't feel no teeth.

437
00:29:09,469 --> 00:29:11,061
Let's go, benjamin.

438
00:29:14,207 --> 00:29:16,801
Why are you eating that?

439
00:29:19,445 --> 00:29:22,312
You know, my mother doesn't
like you very much.

440
00:29:22,549 --> 00:29:25,643
You know, i don't like me
very much either.

441
00:29:27,353 --> 00:29:29,082
Nice playing with you, mini-shaq.

442
00:29:37,697 --> 00:29:39,688
Why was she looking at me like that?

443
00:29:40,233 --> 00:29:42,360
How could they let that guy
work with kids?

444
00:29:42,569 --> 00:29:44,696
Giving me those nasty eyes.

445
00:29:45,338 --> 00:29:46,862
I was being nice to her kid.

446
00:29:47,240 --> 00:29:49,401
They should have locked
him up for good.

447
00:29:49,676 --> 00:29:52,474
At least she was looking at me.
That felt all right.

448
00:29:53,012 --> 00:29:55,071
Why can't he just be like he used to be?

449
00:29:58,184 --> 00:30:01,244
It all seems so long ago

450
00:30:01,487 --> 00:30:04,581
young and happy don't you know

451
00:30:04,791 --> 00:30:08,249
down by the creek i would show

452
00:30:08,494 --> 00:30:11,429
fireflies to that girl

453
00:30:11,598 --> 00:30:15,034
but that was back when he was nice

454
00:30:15,268 --> 00:30:18,601
before my warm heart turned to ice

455
00:30:18,771 --> 00:30:22,263
my sister's wig once had lice

456
00:30:22,442 --> 00:30:25,707
but that was long ago

457
00:30:25,945 --> 00:30:29,540
the schoolyard's where we were

458
00:30:29,749 --> 00:30:32,274
the first time i kissed her

459
00:30:32,518 --> 00:30:35,112
he thought he got some tongue

460
00:30:35,321 --> 00:30:38,654
but it was only retainer

461
00:30:38,891 --> 00:30:41,519
eleanore's bra is a trainer

462
00:30:41,828 --> 00:30:44,956
well, over there's my family home

463
00:30:45,632 --> 00:30:48,624
and the woods we used to roam

464
00:30:48,835 --> 00:30:52,236
the only time i had
sex was on the phone

465
00:30:52,438 --> 00:30:53,928
but that was long ago

466
00:30:55,408 --> 00:30:56,966
i carved our names upon that tree

467
00:30:58,678 --> 00:31:01,772
i loved him and he loved me

468
00:31:01,981 --> 00:31:05,542
my darling wife was once a he

469
00:31:05,752 --> 00:31:08,778
but that was long ago

470
00:31:09,055 --> 00:31:11,956
he'd always whisper in my ear

471
00:31:12,158 --> 00:31:15,491
but then i started drinking beer

472
00:31:15,662 --> 00:31:20,998
my jewels got licked by six frisky deer

473
00:31:22,869 --> 00:31:26,930
now he's just a loner and a liar

474
00:31:27,140 --> 00:31:29,938
and my trailer's caught on fire

475
00:31:30,109 --> 00:31:31,133
fire?!

476
00:31:35,448 --> 00:31:36,608
Oh, my god!

477
00:31:37,317 --> 00:31:39,148
Be careful!

478
00:31:54,867 --> 00:31:56,698
Maybe it's some kind of sign.

479
00:31:56,869 --> 00:32:00,396
After all, chanukah is
the festival of lights.

480
00:32:00,707 --> 00:32:03,608
I should stick you on
a twig and roast you.

481
00:32:03,810 --> 00:32:07,871
Just get back in my car. You'll stay
with me and my sister for a while.

482
00:32:08,114 --> 00:32:09,741
I ain't living with you buffoons.

483
00:32:09,982 --> 00:32:13,543
What other options do you got, mr.
Rockefeller?

484
00:32:24,130 --> 00:32:26,894
- Hello?
- Hi, is ophelia there?

485
00:32:27,133 --> 00:32:30,625
- Ophelia who?
- Ophelia hiney.

486
00:32:30,837 --> 00:32:33,499
Oh, feel my hiney?

487
00:32:34,006 --> 00:32:39,171
You hoodlums better bring my
wig back! I know it was you!

488
00:32:51,190 --> 00:32:54,091
It's a home-invasion robbery!

489
00:32:54,293 --> 00:32:59,356
Take whatever you want, but please
don't chop my legs off!

490
00:32:59,565 --> 00:33:01,795
It's okay, eleanore, it's okay.

491
00:33:02,034 --> 00:33:06,471
Whitey, thank god you're here. We're
being robbed by a lunatic.

492
00:33:06,706 --> 00:33:09,937
Mister, if you're going to kill us, take
off your wet shoes.

493
00:33:10,109 --> 00:33:12,475
They're soaking the carpet.

494
00:33:14,046 --> 00:33:16,537
Eleanore, that's davey stone, my new
partner.

495
00:33:16,783 --> 00:33:21,811
The criminal?! Did he force you to
bring him here so he could molest you?

496
00:33:23,923 --> 00:33:28,451
His home just went up in flames. So i
invited him to stay with us for a while.

497
00:33:32,732 --> 00:33:35,963
Okay, but i'm making an inventory...

498
00:33:36,135 --> 00:33:38,968
...of every single item in this house.

499
00:33:39,205 --> 00:33:40,229
Fascinating.

500
00:33:40,406 --> 00:33:45,503
Look! He already stole something.
He's hiding it in his jacket.

501
00:33:45,745 --> 00:33:48,236
I didn't steal this.
It's a card my parents gave me.

502
00:33:48,448 --> 00:33:51,212
So why don't you go stay with them?

503
00:33:51,350 --> 00:33:52,408
They died.

504
00:33:52,618 --> 00:33:54,142
My bad.

505
00:33:55,154 --> 00:33:58,351
Here's to you guys for letting me
crash over.

506
00:33:59,125 --> 00:34:03,459
Alcohol in our house?
This is never going to work.

507
00:34:03,729 --> 00:34:08,598
It will. We just need to set some rules
so davey knows how we do things here.

508
00:34:08,801 --> 00:34:10,530
I'm scared.

509
00:34:10,736 --> 00:34:15,105
Look. You gotta understand it's just
been me and eleanore for 67 years...

510
00:34:15,308 --> 00:34:17,640
...so she gets nervous around
strangers.

511
00:34:17,844 --> 00:34:19,835
I wouldn't show that picture to anyone...

512
00:34:20,012 --> 00:34:22,776
...or they may try to take you two back
to the laboratory.

513
00:34:23,149 --> 00:34:25,242
Listen. We got rules in this house...

514
00:34:25,451 --> 00:34:28,887
...and you better follow them or you'll
find yourself out of here.

515
00:34:31,057 --> 00:34:33,150
This might be harder than i thought.

516
00:34:34,393 --> 00:34:38,261
If you're coming from the street
with dirty shoes on your feet

517
00:34:38,464 --> 00:34:40,295
that's a technical foul

518
00:34:42,068 --> 00:34:45,333
if you switch the radio to some
"modern" music show

519
00:34:45,538 --> 00:34:47,836
that's a technical foul

520
00:34:50,076 --> 00:34:52,977
if you don't shut the door

521
00:34:53,179 --> 00:34:56,410
after using the 'frigerator

522
00:34:56,582 --> 00:34:59,551
that's a technical foul

523
00:34:59,785 --> 00:35:03,221
a technical foul

524
00:35:04,090 --> 00:35:05,853
if you touch the thermostat

525
00:35:06,092 --> 00:35:07,423
you'll get hit with a bat

526
00:35:07,593 --> 00:35:09,424
'cause that's a technical foul

527
00:35:09,662 --> 00:35:11,323
you will feel my wrath

528
00:35:11,531 --> 00:35:14,864
- lf your hair clogs the drain
- you'll know the meaning of pain

529
00:35:15,067 --> 00:35:16,830
'cause that's a technical foul

530
00:35:17,036 --> 00:35:19,163
i'll show you no mercy

531
00:35:19,372 --> 00:35:21,932
ho! This is such bullshit

532
00:35:22,608 --> 00:35:25,873
in this house we say "bullspit"

533
00:35:26,112 --> 00:35:29,047
or it's a technical foul

534
00:35:29,348 --> 00:35:30,815
a technical foul

535
00:35:31,017 --> 00:35:34,817
let me get this straight. You expect me
to change my lifestyle in one night...

536
00:35:34,954 --> 00:35:37,923
...because you guys are a couple of
psychotic control freaks?

537
00:35:38,090 --> 00:35:40,615
- You got it, bub.
- Or you can go rot in the gutter.

538
00:35:40,826 --> 00:35:43,624
- It's up to you, yankee doodle.
- I don't want to do that...

539
00:35:43,829 --> 00:35:47,356
...but let me run a few questions by you
so i don't screw up accidentally.

540
00:35:48,634 --> 00:35:52,070
If i don't spray lysol
after moving a bowel?

541
00:35:52,271 --> 00:35:54,136
That's a technical foul

542
00:35:55,641 --> 00:35:59,543
if i decide to wash my ass
with your monogrammed towel?

543
00:35:59,745 --> 00:36:02,646
- That's a technical foul
- please, say "hiney."

544
00:36:03,482 --> 00:36:06,974
If i make fun of your crazy feeties

545
00:36:07,219 --> 00:36:10,154
or give sugar cookies to miss diabetes

546
00:36:10,356 --> 00:36:12,483
that's not only a technical foul

547
00:36:13,726 --> 00:36:16,388
but possibly a homicide

548
00:36:19,665 --> 00:36:21,565
can i sleep past 3?

549
00:36:21,767 --> 00:36:23,496
If you do, you'll get a t

550
00:36:23,669 --> 00:36:27,070
- take a whiz in those flowers?
- I'll say, "hit the showers"

551
00:36:27,273 --> 00:36:30,504
- use this horn as a bong?
- Adios, tommy chong

552
00:36:30,676 --> 00:36:32,371
make some long-distance calls?

553
00:36:32,578 --> 00:36:35,274
You'll get a kick in the balls
oops!

554
00:36:35,481 --> 00:36:38,575
Can i walk around with
my morning erection?

555
00:36:38,784 --> 00:36:41,878
If you want an automatic ejection

556
00:36:42,088 --> 00:36:44,750
'cause that's a technical foul

557
00:36:44,957 --> 00:36:47,926
but i'd like to see it anyway

558
00:36:49,095 --> 00:36:50,653
just kidding.

559
00:36:51,430 --> 00:36:54,922
There are certain rules
which apply in one's life

560
00:36:55,134 --> 00:36:58,797
with your sister, friends
or imaginary wife

561
00:36:59,038 --> 00:37:02,599
i can't believe i haven't killed myself

562
00:37:02,808 --> 00:37:06,801
here with wigs mcgee and the furry elf

563
00:37:07,013 --> 00:37:10,141
they took my wig

564
00:37:10,416 --> 00:37:14,477
i remember the look in their eyes

565
00:37:14,687 --> 00:37:17,815
i guess i'll have to deal
with your demands

566
00:37:18,057 --> 00:37:21,959
but please don't touch me
with your alien hands

567
00:37:22,161 --> 00:37:25,790
i got no right to growl

568
00:37:25,998 --> 00:37:28,558
the whistle, she's on the prowl

569
00:37:29,168 --> 00:37:33,298
without my wig, i look like an owl
hoo! Hoo!

570
00:37:33,506 --> 00:37:35,235
- Oh, my god.
- Don't laugh at her.

571
00:37:35,441 --> 00:37:39,343
Or it's a technical foul

572
00:37:39,545 --> 00:37:42,946
a technical foul

573
00:37:43,082 --> 00:37:44,310
a technical foul

574
00:37:54,026 --> 00:37:56,153
davey will have to make the best of this.

575
00:37:56,462 --> 00:37:59,898
- I guess i got to make the best of this.
- See. I told you.

576
00:38:01,033 --> 00:38:05,197
But that shouldn't be too hard for him.
Even loners need company sometimes.

577
00:38:07,106 --> 00:38:08,971
Shaving the chest.

578
00:38:09,108 --> 00:38:12,339
Nobody needs a uni-brow.

579
00:38:14,246 --> 00:38:16,271
This is going to scare her silly.

580
00:38:16,482 --> 00:38:17,676
Yeah, it is.

581
00:38:17,850 --> 00:38:20,250
Peanuts for me?

582
00:38:30,996 --> 00:38:35,126
- Wish we were taller, eleanore?
- I can't reach the cobwebs.

583
00:38:36,001 --> 00:38:38,629
- Thank you, davey.
- No problem, eleanore.

584
00:38:48,748 --> 00:38:50,648
Good one, eleanore.

585
00:38:52,818 --> 00:38:55,582
- Here you go.
- Thanks. Have a good day.

586
00:39:01,026 --> 00:39:02,823
Good luck, old man.

587
00:39:05,164 --> 00:39:09,726
Now i can understand wrapping
the cornmeal around the hot dog...

588
00:39:09,935 --> 00:39:12,768
...but why the heck would they shove
this stick in here?

589
00:39:12,972 --> 00:39:16,271
I'm getting exhausted
trying to cut around it.

590
00:39:16,542 --> 00:39:20,069
You're supposed to hold the stick
and just eat the corn dog off of it.

591
00:39:20,646 --> 00:39:23,410
How futuristic.

592
00:39:23,616 --> 00:39:25,049
Oh, my god.

593
00:39:25,684 --> 00:39:29,085
Zip up or you'll catch a throat cold.

594
00:39:29,288 --> 00:39:31,051
Thank you.

595
00:39:33,092 --> 00:39:34,423
Hey, benny!

596
00:39:34,593 --> 00:39:37,926
Nice game against saint catherine's
today. How many buckets you score?

597
00:39:38,097 --> 00:39:39,121
Fourteen.

598
00:39:39,298 --> 00:39:41,425
You're gonna be league-high scorer, kid.

599
00:39:42,201 --> 00:39:44,066
You just got to keep your elbows in.

600
00:39:44,270 --> 00:39:45,931
That's my man.

601
00:39:54,713 --> 00:39:57,705
Hey, you two, just doing circles.

602
00:40:00,686 --> 00:40:02,119
Oopsy-doodle!

603
00:40:05,157 --> 00:40:06,818
Yeah!

604
00:40:07,092 --> 00:40:08,616
I haven't done that in a while.

605
00:40:08,828 --> 00:40:13,492
Maybe i'm so excited about the banquet
tonight, it's giving me extra oomph.

606
00:40:13,732 --> 00:40:18,726
You'll extra-oomph yourself right into
another seizure if you don't calm down.

607
00:40:18,971 --> 00:40:22,202
He'll be all right. How'd you get
so good on the ice, anyways?

608
00:40:22,408 --> 00:40:26,037
In the '50s i reffed youth hockey
for a couple of seasons.

609
00:40:26,245 --> 00:40:29,737
Until a wrist shot caught him in the
back of the skull.

610
00:40:29,982 --> 00:40:32,883
Nothing a little metal plate couldn't fix.

611
00:40:33,152 --> 00:40:35,245
He was in a coma for three months.

612
00:40:35,487 --> 00:40:37,682
I needed the rest anyway.

613
00:40:42,161 --> 00:40:44,026
Could i get a lift from you, partner?

614
00:40:44,196 --> 00:40:45,220
Sure.

615
00:40:48,834 --> 00:40:52,531
So, davey, did you play the hockey
when you were a child?

616
00:40:52,738 --> 00:40:54,763
No, hockey players get up too early.

617
00:40:55,007 --> 00:40:59,068
This guy's sport always was and
always will be basketball.

618
00:40:59,278 --> 00:41:00,643
Back in '81...

619
00:41:00,880 --> 00:41:04,247
...he was the star of what is still
known to this very day...

620
00:41:04,416 --> 00:41:07,078
...as the jcc miracle game.

621
00:41:07,353 --> 00:41:08,377
Oh, my.

622
00:41:08,554 --> 00:41:11,182
The jcc was down by 24 points.

623
00:41:11,423 --> 00:41:14,290
The bad news is we stand no chance
of winning this game.

624
00:41:14,526 --> 00:41:18,587
The good news is it's chanukah, so
you'll all get presents tonight anyway.

625
00:41:18,764 --> 00:41:20,356
Speaking of presents...

626
00:41:20,566 --> 00:41:23,933
...our parents come to all our games
even though we always lose.

627
00:41:24,169 --> 00:41:25,431
So i was thinking...

628
00:41:25,604 --> 00:41:29,597
...maybe tonight we could try to win one
for them. You know, as a gift.

629
00:41:29,775 --> 00:41:33,176
The only way that'll happen is if you
take all the shots.

630
00:41:33,412 --> 00:41:35,175
Well, if you guys don't mind...

631
00:41:35,381 --> 00:41:37,781
- it's okay with us.
- Go for it. You got it.

632
00:41:38,050 --> 00:41:39,540
Let's win!

633
00:41:39,785 --> 00:41:41,480
Where are your parents, anyways?

634
00:41:43,455 --> 00:41:46,583
I don't know. Hopefully, out
getting me an atari.

635
00:41:55,467 --> 00:41:56,764
All right, davey!

636
00:42:13,452 --> 00:42:14,942
- Come on!
- Let's go!

637
00:42:17,723 --> 00:42:18,849
We'll take that.

638
00:42:22,161 --> 00:42:23,788
Not today.

639
00:42:30,302 --> 00:42:34,432
That kind of shooting makes me
want to do the robot dance.

640
00:42:44,783 --> 00:42:46,148
Nice story. You can stop now.

641
00:42:46,352 --> 00:42:49,844
No, no, go on. Whitey, i'm mesmerized.

642
00:42:50,022 --> 00:42:51,751
Can we just go? I'm cold.

643
00:42:51,957 --> 00:42:55,859
I want to hear what happens next.
It's like a fairy tale.

644
00:42:56,028 --> 00:43:00,988
Unfortunately, this fairy tale
doesn't have a happy ending.

645
00:43:14,346 --> 00:43:17,372
Davey was wondering
where his parents were.

646
00:43:17,549 --> 00:43:20,416
Turns out they were on their way
to the ball game...

647
00:43:20,652 --> 00:43:25,919
...when a truck hit a patch of black ice
and swerved into oncoming traffic.

648
00:43:26,158 --> 00:43:30,925
Mr. And mrs. Stone tragically
couldn't get out of the way in time.

649
00:43:31,430 --> 00:43:33,921
I couldn't believe something
that horrible...

650
00:43:34,166 --> 00:43:37,431
...could happen to a kid that nice.

651
00:43:37,669 --> 00:43:41,730
He walked right through that door
and into foster home after foster home...

652
00:43:41,907 --> 00:43:44,671
...until his 18th birthday.

653
00:43:47,246 --> 00:43:52,115
Oh, my. You poor, poor boy.
What in heaven's name did you do?

654
00:43:52,351 --> 00:43:53,613
Let's just get off of this.

655
00:43:53,852 --> 00:43:56,412
He didn't know how to handle it.

656
00:43:56,622 --> 00:44:00,683
What 12-year-old kid would?
He basically shut down.

657
00:44:12,337 --> 00:44:17,331
Davey, i'm so sorry.
I don't know what to say.

658
00:44:17,543 --> 00:44:19,977
There's nothing to say.
My parents are dead.

659
00:44:20,212 --> 00:44:23,079
Happy chanukah.
Now, leave me alone.

660
00:44:25,617 --> 00:44:29,485
That's the saddest story i've ever heard.

661
00:44:39,465 --> 00:44:41,899
I'm out of here.
I don't need this sympathy crap.

662
00:44:42,134 --> 00:44:45,297
Maybe it's time you stop running
from your emotions.

663
00:44:45,637 --> 00:44:47,662
I'm not. I'm running from two crybabies...

664
00:44:47,873 --> 00:44:50,865
...who won't shut up about something
that isn't their business.

665
00:44:51,076 --> 00:44:54,068
You know, i read recently
in reader's digest...

666
00:44:54,279 --> 00:44:58,147
...that people who let themselves cry
when they're hurting...

667
00:44:58,383 --> 00:45:00,647
...are often stronger than the people...

668
00:45:00,819 --> 00:45:04,186
...who try to hold all their pain inside.

669
00:45:04,423 --> 00:45:07,790
Did you read about a deformed referee
who spends 35 years...

670
00:45:07,960 --> 00:45:09,825
...trying to win some stupid patch...

671
00:45:09,995 --> 00:45:12,987
...so he can pretend people
actually like him?!

672
00:45:13,198 --> 00:45:15,462
Which month was that in?

673
00:45:15,834 --> 00:45:17,665
Take that back.

674
00:45:17,903 --> 00:45:21,100
If they have an award for the
freakiest looking fraternal twins...

675
00:45:21,273 --> 00:45:24,765
...who no one even gives a crap about,
you two are definitely winning.

676
00:45:24,977 --> 00:45:27,844
But that patch thing ain't ever
gonna happen for you...

677
00:45:28,013 --> 00:45:32,177
...because the truth is, nobody
in this town even knows you exist!

678
00:45:33,485 --> 00:45:35,146
You're an animal.

679
00:45:35,320 --> 00:45:36,480
And you're bald!

680
00:45:36,655 --> 00:45:39,021
Not again!

681
00:45:39,625 --> 00:45:43,322
You're not welcome in my house.

682
00:45:43,495 --> 00:45:45,326
Good, your house sucks!

683
00:45:45,531 --> 00:45:48,728
Do you have to be nasty to everyone
who tries to help you?

684
00:45:49,034 --> 00:45:50,126
That's my problem.

685
00:45:52,004 --> 00:45:53,835
He just a no-goodnik.

686
00:45:54,072 --> 00:45:57,872
And i am the real kristi yamaguchi.

687
00:46:01,013 --> 00:46:05,677
Wow. Just when you started to really
like davey, he has a butthole relapse.

688
00:46:07,953 --> 00:46:09,250
Hey, fellas.

689
00:46:09,488 --> 00:46:12,048
You know, eleanore really does
look like an owl.

690
00:46:13,358 --> 00:46:14,382
Sorry.

691
00:46:14,560 --> 00:46:17,324
Cheer up, eleanore.
Let's just get ready for the banquet.

692
00:46:23,035 --> 00:46:26,198
It doesn't hurt to smell nice. Does it,
fellas?

693
00:46:26,371 --> 00:46:28,066
You're a good deer.

694
00:46:30,742 --> 00:46:34,542
Let's try the red wig. And please,
don't crap on my carpet.

695
00:46:35,781 --> 00:46:39,615
Well, while whitey and eleanore
are getting ready for the banquet...

696
00:46:39,785 --> 00:46:42,777
...the moron is having
a party of his own.

697
00:46:43,121 --> 00:46:45,612
And when people get in the state
that davey's in...

698
00:46:45,791 --> 00:46:47,986
...they do really stupid things...

699
00:46:48,126 --> 00:46:50,560
...like go to a mall that's obviously
closed...

700
00:46:50,762 --> 00:46:54,254
...to yell at a woman who's obviously
not there.

701
00:46:56,301 --> 00:46:57,893
Shut up!

702
00:47:01,306 --> 00:47:03,638
Jennifer!

703
00:47:04,643 --> 00:47:06,076
Jennifer!

704
00:47:06,311 --> 00:47:09,712
What's the matter with the way i live
my life? Huh, jennifer?!

705
00:47:09,915 --> 00:47:13,646
Where are you?! Home reading
your baby boy a bedtime story...

706
00:47:13,885 --> 00:47:17,582
...while he sucks his thumb
and goes pee-pee on his blanket?!

707
00:47:17,823 --> 00:47:19,381
Horseshit!

708
00:47:19,591 --> 00:47:23,925
Look who finally showed up.
We've been waiting for you all night.

709
00:47:24,162 --> 00:47:25,390
Who said that?

710
00:47:25,597 --> 00:47:27,929
I said that. Everybody wake up!

711
00:47:28,166 --> 00:47:29,656
This is not a rehearsal.

712
00:47:29,901 --> 00:47:31,232
Numb-nuts is here.

713
00:47:32,070 --> 00:47:33,560
Roger on that. Over.

714
00:47:33,772 --> 00:47:35,672
Let's do this, people.

715
00:47:35,941 --> 00:47:38,671
Just let me put my teeth in.

716
00:47:40,946 --> 00:47:42,243
How do you like your java?

717
00:47:42,447 --> 00:47:44,039
With a shot of whiskey.

718
00:47:44,249 --> 00:47:46,809
Let's try it black instead.

719
00:47:47,552 --> 00:47:48,951
That burns!

720
00:47:49,154 --> 00:47:51,987
Wake up, kids.
Our hot and sour friend is here.

721
00:47:52,824 --> 00:47:55,054
We're coming!

722
00:47:56,795 --> 00:47:58,660
It's about time you got here.

723
00:47:58,830 --> 00:48:00,593
I've been tossing and turning.

724
00:48:00,799 --> 00:48:03,199
I know. I was watching you.

725
00:48:03,835 --> 00:48:05,860
I mean, me too.

726
00:48:06,104 --> 00:48:08,163
What the heck is happening right now?

727
00:48:08,340 --> 00:48:10,706
Something that should have happened
20 years ago.

728
00:48:10,942 --> 00:48:12,375
Time to cry, davey. Over.

729
00:48:12,611 --> 00:48:14,772
What? Get out of here. I'm leaving.

730
00:48:15,013 --> 00:48:18,346
You can run from whitey,
but you ain't gonna run from us.

731
00:48:19,851 --> 00:48:24,015
We all heard what happened
at the skating rink today

732
00:48:24,189 --> 00:48:29,092
when whitey brought up your sad past
you snapped and walked away

733
00:48:29,394 --> 00:48:34,627
well, maybe they're onto something
that you should give a try

734
00:48:34,866 --> 00:48:39,462
go ahead and let it out
and have yourself a cry

735
00:48:39,671 --> 00:48:41,866
let it out, davey

736
00:48:42,107 --> 00:48:44,541
shut your wooden mugs

737
00:48:44,743 --> 00:48:47,234
let it out, davey

738
00:48:47,479 --> 00:48:50,107
would you check out her bezugs

739
00:48:50,315 --> 00:48:54,547
you want me to deal with pain
well, "cheers" is what i say

740
00:48:55,320 --> 00:48:59,916
this here stuff just numbs the pain
it don't make it go away

741
00:49:00,158 --> 00:49:02,251
you try to act so tough

742
00:49:02,494 --> 00:49:04,928
but you just live a lie

743
00:49:05,163 --> 00:49:10,123
why don't you show your feminine side
and have yourself a cry

744
00:49:10,335 --> 00:49:12,895
let it out, davey

745
00:49:13,138 --> 00:49:15,003
i'll pour you down the sink

746
00:49:15,240 --> 00:49:18,141
you gotta do it, davey

747
00:49:18,343 --> 00:49:20,777
y'all can bite my dink

748
00:49:23,215 --> 00:49:27,879
you labels and logos are wasting
your time making me sit here

749
00:49:28,086 --> 00:49:33,080
'cause nothing you can say or do
will make me shed a tear

750
00:49:33,258 --> 00:49:35,749
he possesses a strong spirit

751
00:49:35,927 --> 00:49:37,758
and won't let down his guard

752
00:49:37,963 --> 00:49:40,591
so now we'll bring in the big gun

753
00:49:40,932 --> 00:49:44,060
his beautiful chanukah card

754
00:49:45,170 --> 00:49:47,764
take it, davey. It might have money in it.
Over.

755
00:49:54,780 --> 00:50:00,116
Happy chanukah to our wonderful son

756
00:50:00,552 --> 00:50:03,180
you fill our lives

757
00:50:03,588 --> 00:50:06,557
with joy

758
00:50:07,125 --> 00:50:09,719
don't ever change

759
00:50:09,961 --> 00:50:13,124
the way you are

760
00:50:14,800 --> 00:50:17,633
you beautiful

761
00:50:17,936 --> 00:50:21,133
twelve-year-old

762
00:50:21,339 --> 00:50:24,274
boy

763
00:50:33,819 --> 00:50:35,309
breaking and entering.

764
00:50:35,487 --> 00:50:38,149
I knew you'd screw
up eventually, stone.

765
00:50:38,356 --> 00:50:42,315
- I'm sorry.
- Save your sorries for the judge.

766
00:50:50,869 --> 00:50:52,029
This is embarrassing.

767
00:51:01,146 --> 00:51:03,376
- Come on, guys.
- Okay, sweetheart.

768
00:51:05,684 --> 00:51:07,743
Don't be sad, mom. I can be your date.

769
00:51:08,186 --> 00:51:10,518
You should let me be your date.

770
00:51:11,323 --> 00:51:16,522
I may be dirty and smelly,
but in the dark, i'm just smelly.

771
00:51:17,696 --> 00:51:20,688
Well, thank you, but he asked first.

772
00:51:21,032 --> 00:51:24,524
Oh, my god. Slow down.
Come on. I'm scared.

773
00:51:24,703 --> 00:51:28,264
Hey, why are we stopped now?
What are you doing? What's going on?

774
00:51:28,473 --> 00:51:30,805
Who's out there?
Do we need to call the police?

775
00:51:31,042 --> 00:51:34,307
Don't worry, eleanore. I promise
you'll have a good time.

776
00:51:34,513 --> 00:51:38,074
All right, brother. Let's go win this thing.

777
00:51:44,556 --> 00:51:49,493
You look like audrey hepburn if she was
four feet and weighed 300 pounds.

778
00:51:49,728 --> 00:51:51,286
Thank you.

779
00:51:51,830 --> 00:51:53,991
Watch the ice, eleanore. Don't slip.

780
00:51:54,199 --> 00:51:56,292
It's all good, whitey.

781
00:51:58,403 --> 00:52:01,236
Eleanore duvall? Is that you?

782
00:52:01,406 --> 00:52:02,930
Why do you want to know?

783
00:52:03,174 --> 00:52:04,664
What can we do you for, bub?

784
00:52:04,876 --> 00:52:07,811
I've been waiting to see your sister
for many years.

785
00:52:08,113 --> 00:52:10,809
Are you the kid who stole my wig?

786
00:52:11,016 --> 00:52:13,507
Yes, i'm eli wolstan...

787
00:52:13,752 --> 00:52:17,313
...and i've always felt bad about being
so thoughtless when i was young.

788
00:52:17,522 --> 00:52:19,456
So i wanted to return this to you.

789
00:52:19,925 --> 00:52:21,119
Thank you.

790
00:52:23,762 --> 00:52:24,820
Feel better?

791
00:52:25,263 --> 00:52:27,254
One more thing.

792
00:52:31,903 --> 00:52:33,461
Now i feel better.

793
00:52:35,941 --> 00:52:38,603
At least this one make me look pretty.

794
00:52:40,712 --> 00:52:44,910
Attention all officers. Davey stone is
on the loose.

795
00:52:52,357 --> 00:52:55,155
Last bus to new york
city now boarding.

796
00:53:04,102 --> 00:53:08,266
Whitey, they were giving out lobster
bibs in the bathroom.

797
00:53:08,473 --> 00:53:13,172
That's not a lobster bib, eleanore.
That's a germ protector for your tushy.

798
00:53:13,445 --> 00:53:16,744
Okay. Well, i'll use it here.

799
00:53:19,184 --> 00:53:21,982
My hiney is germfree and i love it.

800
00:53:23,755 --> 00:53:26,417
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm mayor stuey duhy.

801
00:53:26,591 --> 00:53:28,957
I'd like to welcome you to the
35th annual...

802
00:53:29,160 --> 00:53:31,993
...youth league basketball
all-star banquet.

803
00:53:35,333 --> 00:53:39,269
For those of you celebrating christmas
tomorrow, merry christmas.

804
00:53:39,471 --> 00:53:41,132
Merry christmas.

805
00:53:41,306 --> 00:53:44,298
For those of you celebrating
the eighth night of chanukah...

806
00:53:44,476 --> 00:53:46,137
...happy chanukah.

807
00:53:46,478 --> 00:53:48,309
Happy chanukah.

808
00:53:50,348 --> 00:53:51,838
Going to the big apple, son?

809
00:53:52,550 --> 00:53:53,812
Yeah.

810
00:53:53,985 --> 00:53:55,179
Business or pleasure?

811
00:53:56,021 --> 00:53:57,045
Freedom.

812
00:53:57,288 --> 00:54:00,485
I see. You're one of them
hippie-dippy fellas.

813
00:54:01,159 --> 00:54:03,855
Everyone knows i like to start
these events with a joke.

814
00:54:04,062 --> 00:54:06,860
But i've been so busy at the hardware
store this year...

815
00:54:07,065 --> 00:54:11,934
...l've had no time to think of a great
one. But i thought of this driving here:

816
00:54:12,170 --> 00:54:13,330
Knock, knock.

817
00:54:14,118 --> 00:54:18,384
The award for most impressive growth
goes to a kid who began at 4-foot-2.

818
00:54:18,556 --> 00:54:23,391
He is now about to take the stage
at his current height of 6-foot-5.

819
00:54:23,561 --> 00:54:25,085
Donald hardy!

820
00:54:25,296 --> 00:54:26,558
Get up here, you beanpole.

821
00:54:28,933 --> 00:54:31,231
Saint ignatius is number one!

822
00:54:31,402 --> 00:54:34,428
Hopefully that young man's getting
a weed whacker for christmas.

823
00:54:34,906 --> 00:54:37,101
The mayor is very funny.

824
00:54:48,019 --> 00:54:52,115
Look at davey, inches
from a clean getaway.

825
00:54:52,323 --> 00:54:55,554
But there's some things you
just aren't meant to get away from.

826
00:54:56,894 --> 00:54:57,918
What the hey?

827
00:54:59,264 --> 00:55:03,132
Whoa! Whoa! Hang in there, betsy!
We'll make it! Whoa!

828
00:55:03,601 --> 00:55:06,069
Nice driving skills, pal.

829
00:55:08,773 --> 00:55:10,934
That's the strangest thing
i've ever seen.

830
00:55:11,109 --> 00:55:13,805
One thumbtack popped all eight
of my back tires.

831
00:55:19,183 --> 00:55:21,617
Okay. I see what you're doing.

832
00:55:22,620 --> 00:55:26,147
Who you talking to? Having one of them
hippie-dippy mushroom flashbacks?

833
00:55:26,357 --> 00:55:29,292
I need to go apologize to someone
before i leave.

834
00:55:29,494 --> 00:55:33,123
I know you hippies don't wear watches,
but it should be fixed in 30 minutes.

835
00:55:33,364 --> 00:55:34,626
I'll see you then.

836
00:55:34,799 --> 00:55:36,994
Run, hippie! Run!

837
00:55:41,639 --> 00:55:44,665
I'm just here to say i'm sorry
to the little guy. I swear.

838
00:55:46,311 --> 00:55:48,973
If i give myself a wedgie
will you believe me then?

839
00:55:57,488 --> 00:55:58,682
Okay?

840
00:56:02,627 --> 00:56:04,822
Glad we could work that out.

841
00:56:05,496 --> 00:56:08,829
I can't believe i'm in the same room
as the mayor.

842
00:56:09,000 --> 00:56:12,333
I can't believe how many rolls
you put in your purse.

843
00:56:12,503 --> 00:56:15,165
It'll be a nice snack for february.

844
00:56:15,840 --> 00:56:19,332
Ladies and gentlemen, this next award,
the dukesberry all-star patch...

845
00:56:19,510 --> 00:56:23,708
...was created 35 years ago to recognize
people for their tireless work ethic...

846
00:56:23,881 --> 00:56:25,678
...their unparalleled generosity...

847
00:56:25,850 --> 00:56:29,684
...and their passion and dedication to
both the league and our fine community.

848
00:56:29,887 --> 00:56:34,347
Your hands are sopping wet.
Don't be so nervous, whitey.

849
00:56:34,525 --> 00:56:36,550
I'm not nervous. I'm excited.

850
00:56:36,761 --> 00:56:40,561
I've been waiting 35 years
for this night.

851
00:56:52,543 --> 00:56:55,410
- You see something?
- Just some deer doing a pyramid.

852
00:56:55,646 --> 00:56:57,580
Okay, well, let's keep looking.

853
00:57:00,918 --> 00:57:02,385
Good job, fellas.

854
00:57:02,754 --> 00:57:06,246
Hand-picked by you,
the people of our fine town...

855
00:57:06,457 --> 00:57:09,585
...i now present the 35th annual...

856
00:57:09,794 --> 00:57:13,252
...dukesberry all-star patch award...

857
00:57:13,464 --> 00:57:14,556
...to...

858
00:57:14,966 --> 00:57:16,729
please let there be a miracle.

859
00:57:19,170 --> 00:57:21,297
...tom baltezor.

860
00:57:21,572 --> 00:57:24,234
Tom, come up here and get this sucker.

861
00:57:27,378 --> 00:57:29,539
Attaboy, tommy!

862
00:57:49,934 --> 00:57:51,834
We love you, tommy!

863
00:58:02,213 --> 00:58:05,649
Nobody in this town even knows
you exist!

864
00:58:11,456 --> 00:58:14,983
All you people can bite
my germfree booty!

865
00:58:16,794 --> 00:58:21,493
Looks like i better do a lot more than
apologize. See you in 10 years, fellas.

866
00:58:24,535 --> 00:58:27,732
When i was a kid playing youth
league ball for palmer episcopal...

867
00:58:27,872 --> 00:58:29,669
...i dreamed of two things:

868
00:58:29,874 --> 00:58:34,675
Learning to make a lay-up with my left
hand and becoming a multi-billionaire.

869
00:58:34,879 --> 00:58:38,178
I think you all know which dream
came true.

870
00:58:38,516 --> 00:58:40,313
Wow!

871
00:58:40,485 --> 00:58:44,148
Sorry! That one caught me by surprise.

872
00:58:45,490 --> 00:58:50,826
And even though i don't recall scoring a
point during my four seasons of play...

873
00:58:51,329 --> 00:58:54,321
...the memories of the fun times
i did have...

874
00:58:54,532 --> 00:58:58,161
...made it very easy for me to purchase
the new digital scoreboard...

875
00:58:58,336 --> 00:59:01,828
...for the community center
earlier this year.

876
00:59:02,039 --> 00:59:03,506
Thanks for the recognition.

877
00:59:03,674 --> 00:59:06,370
- Thanks for the scoreboard!
- Thank you, tommy!

878
00:59:07,545 --> 00:59:10,537
Excuse me! Can i just say something?

879
00:59:10,781 --> 00:59:13,045
- There he is!
- Stone, what are you doing here?

880
00:59:13,284 --> 00:59:16,344
Getting himself arrested, mayor duhy.
He broke into the mall.

881
00:59:16,554 --> 00:59:19,045
I love it! Your ass busted!

882
00:59:19,290 --> 00:59:21,918
Now you go to jail
and marry big, smelly man.

883
00:59:22,193 --> 00:59:24,218
Stone, you screwed up for the last time.

884
00:59:24,428 --> 00:59:27,556
That 10-year sentence i promised you
starts tonight.

885
00:59:30,434 --> 00:59:33,403
Please, just let me speak for one second.

886
00:59:33,871 --> 00:59:35,361
Are those tears in his eyes?

887
00:59:35,573 --> 00:59:37,006
Finally.

888
00:59:37,708 --> 00:59:39,232
Let the guy talk!

889
00:59:41,379 --> 00:59:43,404
After all, it is the holidays.

890
00:59:45,449 --> 00:59:48,907
She's right. And then we'll
send him up the river.

891
00:59:51,889 --> 00:59:55,256
Okay, mrs. Triple nipple...
i mean, mrs. Selman.

892
00:59:55,459 --> 00:59:58,553
Go ahead, mr. Stone. Let's hear
your parting words of wisdom.

893
00:59:58,763 --> 01:00:03,257
I know you people don't like me or
care about my opinion, but here goes.

894
01:00:03,467 --> 01:00:07,927
Tommy, nothing personal, but whitey
should have won the patch tonight.

895
01:00:08,139 --> 01:00:10,733
You're all crazy for not realizing that.

896
01:00:10,942 --> 01:00:15,242
Why would we give whitey duvall the
patch? So he could use it as a blanket?

897
01:00:24,288 --> 01:00:26,449
That's the reaction i thought i'd get.

898
01:00:27,158 --> 01:00:29,922
Everyone in this room has been
associated with whitey

899
01:00:30,094 --> 01:00:31,652
through basketball or the mall

900
01:00:31,929 --> 01:00:37,265
or various odd jobs he does around
town for free or at most a dollar

901
01:00:38,269 --> 01:00:41,500
and i'm guessing 99% of you have
either laughed in whitey's face

902
01:00:41,772 --> 01:00:45,105
or ruthlessly made fun of his feet or
voice or sister or shortness

903
01:00:45,276 --> 01:00:49,110
when he wasn't looking

904
01:00:49,313 --> 01:00:53,147
but the next time you'd see him, he'd go
out of his way to smile and wave at you

905
01:00:53,384 --> 01:00:55,477
and ask about your mother's operation

906
01:00:55,686 --> 01:01:00,146
because he, unlike us, cares
about someone other than himself

907
01:01:00,925 --> 01:01:05,123
the reason i bring this up to you

908
01:01:05,296 --> 01:01:10,290
is because i was the worst offender

909
01:01:10,468 --> 01:01:12,766
of all

910
01:01:15,406 --> 01:01:18,466
my life was simply going nowhere

911
01:01:19,043 --> 01:01:22,479
then a tiny, little man
rushed to my side

912
01:01:23,547 --> 01:01:26,983
he should've gotten a big thank-you

913
01:01:27,918 --> 01:01:31,149
instead he got a port-a-potty ride

914
01:01:31,322 --> 01:01:34,985
i was such a shithead

915
01:01:35,159 --> 01:01:38,720
but he never quit on me

916
01:01:39,497 --> 01:01:43,695
till i told him he was useless

917
01:01:43,968 --> 01:01:47,233
and his sister was freaky

918
01:01:47,505 --> 01:01:50,997
once when we were watching
sunday football

919
01:01:51,509 --> 01:01:56,003
a fuzzy screen was all that
we could see

920
01:01:56,180 --> 01:01:59,377
whitey came over with a hanger

921
01:02:00,084 --> 01:02:03,076
and spent the game on top of our tv

922
01:02:03,354 --> 01:02:06,755
and when the lightning struck him

923
01:02:07,191 --> 01:02:09,853
he let out a wicked-loud yell

924
01:02:11,362 --> 01:02:15,355
but we just turned up the volume

925
01:02:15,766 --> 01:02:17,859
and ignored the burning smell

926
01:02:18,035 --> 01:02:20,868
we should all rot in hell

927
01:02:21,772 --> 01:02:24,741
i went to high school with whitey

928
01:02:25,476 --> 01:02:29,242
as a joke i told him to meet me
at the prom

929
01:02:29,780 --> 01:02:34,046
when he got there i said, "i can't
believe you thought i was serious"

930
01:02:34,251 --> 01:02:37,414
so he ran home crying and
slow-danced with his mom

931
01:02:37,621 --> 01:02:41,921
what a crushing blow to whitey

932
01:02:42,126 --> 01:02:45,220
i bet you wish you could take it back

933
01:02:46,230 --> 01:02:48,755
how could you all be
so mean to whitey?

934
01:02:50,267 --> 01:02:52,758
Sound to me like you are all on crack

935
01:02:53,037 --> 01:02:54,061
huh?

936
01:02:54,271 --> 01:02:58,264
Tonight whitey was
counting on this town

937
01:02:58,509 --> 01:03:02,275
to show that we care

938
01:03:02,513 --> 01:03:06,005
but the first time he really needed us

939
01:03:06,217 --> 01:03:08,310
we weren't there

940
01:03:08,586 --> 01:03:13,114
and on christmas eve
and the last night of chanukah

941
01:03:13,457 --> 01:03:17,587
it's just not fair

942
01:03:35,446 --> 01:03:37,277
i wonder if that guy

943
01:03:37,481 --> 01:03:40,814
ever wiped his ass with
the wrong hand

944
01:03:41,352 --> 01:03:42,444
yes.

945
01:04:03,941 --> 01:04:07,069
I'm so sorry they hurt you, whitey.

946
01:04:07,278 --> 01:04:09,803
We should go to the mall.

947
01:04:10,014 --> 01:04:13,177
That place always makes me feel better.

948
01:04:13,384 --> 01:04:15,147
But it's closed.

949
01:04:15,352 --> 01:04:19,789
Maybe the night guard
forgot to lock the door again.

950
01:04:19,990 --> 01:04:22,891
Well, if he didn't, we can at
least sit in front of it.

951
01:04:23,127 --> 01:04:25,527
These are desperate times.

952
01:04:31,235 --> 01:04:35,137
Let the door be open.
Please, just give me that.

953
01:04:35,639 --> 01:04:37,869
Thank god.

954
01:04:38,542 --> 01:04:42,501
This is the most beautiful place
i've ever seen.

955
01:04:42,680 --> 01:04:45,547
It's like a sanctuary.

956
01:04:45,749 --> 01:04:51,016
Eleanore, could you just give me a
second to say a few words in private?

957
01:04:51,188 --> 01:04:55,022
Take as much time as you need, whitey.

958
01:05:00,531 --> 01:05:03,398
Hey, mall, long time no see.

959
01:05:03,634 --> 01:05:06,933
Fourteen hours to be exact.

960
01:05:07,204 --> 01:05:09,365
If you haven't heard by now...

961
01:05:09,540 --> 01:05:14,739
...i didn't get that patch i've been
telling you about for all these years.

962
01:05:14,945 --> 01:05:18,437
In fact, i've been
kind of kidding myself...

963
01:05:18,682 --> 01:05:21,776
...to even think i was in the running.

964
01:05:22,786 --> 01:05:23,878
You see...

965
01:05:24,355 --> 01:05:26,380
...the people of dukesberry...

966
01:05:26,557 --> 01:05:30,357
...think i'm nothing but a joke.

967
01:05:31,262 --> 01:05:34,425
So i was kind of thinking...

968
01:05:34,665 --> 01:05:39,967
...maybe i should move to a town
where nobody knows who i am.

969
01:05:40,204 --> 01:05:45,540
At least then they'd have a
reason not to acknowledge me.

970
01:05:46,210 --> 01:05:49,407
I think eleanore might like florida...

971
01:05:49,580 --> 01:05:54,711
...and i hear they got some pretty
amazing malls there.

972
01:05:55,085 --> 01:05:57,383
You're not going anywhere.

973
01:05:58,589 --> 01:06:02,753
Holy shit, did the mall
just say something?

974
01:06:03,594 --> 01:06:05,960
No, it was me.

975
01:06:06,897 --> 01:06:08,956
What do you want, stone?

976
01:06:09,199 --> 01:06:11,429
I came to apologize, whitey.

977
01:06:11,835 --> 01:06:16,101
Well, there's nothing to apologize for,
stone, because you were right.

978
01:06:16,307 --> 01:06:18,775
Nobody does care about me.

979
01:06:18,943 --> 01:06:22,572
I don't think that's true.
Do you, mr. Mayor?

980
01:06:25,816 --> 01:06:28,614
Whitey, tonight for the first time
in years...

981
01:06:28,786 --> 01:06:32,984
...your partner, davey stone, actually
did a good thing for this community.

982
01:06:33,223 --> 01:06:35,817
What he do, steal beer for everyone?

983
01:06:36,293 --> 01:06:41,128
No. He made me see how great whitey
is and how neglectful we've all been.

984
01:06:41,865 --> 01:06:45,494
That's why i'm here, whitey.
I'm here to fix a big mistake.

985
01:06:45,736 --> 01:06:50,833
It's your moment, whitey

986
01:06:51,041 --> 01:06:55,501
you've waited oh, so long

987
01:06:55,746 --> 01:07:01,048
it's your moment, whitey

988
01:07:01,952 --> 01:07:05,251
we're here to right our wrong

989
01:07:05,489 --> 01:07:10,017
for service to the league and this
community, i proudly present to you...

990
01:07:10,260 --> 01:07:15,288
...the 35th annual dukesberry
all-star patch.

991
01:07:16,133 --> 01:07:18,158
But this is tom's.

992
01:07:18,769 --> 01:07:23,832
Mr. Duvall, the 35th all-star
patch is now where it belongs.

993
01:07:25,576 --> 01:07:28,704
I can't believe this is happening.

994
01:07:29,079 --> 01:07:30,671
And the 34th!

995
01:07:32,349 --> 01:07:33,714
And the 33rd!

996
01:07:34,284 --> 01:07:38,277
And the 32nd,
and the 31 st, and the 30th!

997
01:07:38,522 --> 01:07:39,682
- 29th!
- And the 16th!

998
01:07:39,857 --> 01:07:41,290
- And the 28th!
- And the 23rd!

999
01:07:41,492 --> 01:07:42,516
And the 27th!

1000
01:07:42,693 --> 01:07:45,093
- Oh, whitey.
- And the 11 th!

1001
01:07:45,295 --> 01:07:47,024
- And the 25th!
- And the 18th!

1002
01:07:48,799 --> 01:07:49,857
We love you, whitey!

1003
01:07:50,067 --> 01:07:54,697
You stepped up for me, stone.
I don't know if i could ever repay you.

1004
01:07:55,339 --> 01:07:57,239
Well, you can help me with my dream.

1005
01:07:57,541 --> 01:08:00,533
You got a dream? What is it?

1006
01:08:00,811 --> 01:08:03,041
To have someone wish me
a happy chanukah...

1007
01:08:03,213 --> 01:08:06,410
...and feel as good as i used to
when my dad would say it to me.

1008
01:08:06,884 --> 01:08:08,875
Happy chanukah, stone.

1009
01:08:09,219 --> 01:08:10,709
Merry christmas, whitey.

1010
01:08:12,456 --> 01:08:17,052
You know, stone, if my imaginary wife
and i ever have a son...

1011
01:08:17,261 --> 01:08:19,729
...i hope you consider him a brother.

1012
01:08:19,897 --> 01:08:23,389
Thanks, whitey. And i'll pretend
i never heard you say that.

1013
01:08:23,867 --> 01:08:24,891
Appreciate it.

1014
01:08:25,102 --> 01:08:30,233
It's your moment, whitey

1015
01:08:30,407 --> 01:08:35,071
- enjoy, our tiny friend
- thank you. Thank you.

1016
01:08:35,245 --> 01:08:38,146
Like the bavarian cream-filled donut

1017
01:08:38,415 --> 01:08:41,578
you ate last week

1018
01:08:41,752 --> 01:08:44,118
thank you. Thank you.

1019
01:08:44,588 --> 01:08:46,579
Would you three show whitey and i...

1020
01:08:46,757 --> 01:08:50,284
...how to light the chanukah candles
at our house tonight?

1021
01:08:50,494 --> 01:08:51,620
You up for that, pal?

1022
01:08:51,862 --> 01:08:53,659
And when benjamin falls asleep...

1023
01:08:53,931 --> 01:08:57,128
...the both of you can play
spin the dreidel for tongue kisses.

1024
01:08:57,301 --> 01:08:58,359
Sounds good to me.

1025
01:08:58,602 --> 01:09:03,471
Now, go live happily ever after or i'll
dropkick the teeth out of your mouth.

1026
01:09:03,674 --> 01:09:05,801
That won't be necessary.

1027
01:09:06,009 --> 01:09:09,069
They make a nice couple.

1028
01:09:10,080 --> 01:09:11,604
I never

1029
01:09:11,815 --> 01:09:17,151
want this to end

1030
01:09:20,457 --> 01:09:22,516
don't worry, folks. Whitey's okay.

1031
01:09:22,793 --> 01:09:25,785
This is the happiest seizure of my life.

1032
01:09:25,963 --> 01:09:26,987
See, i told you.